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Random Thoughts on the NFL Opening Weekend

Here are some random thoughts on opening weekend in the NFL (#12-15 are brought to you commercial free by Roger Mears):

1. The Arizona Cardinals will have a productive season. Despite giving up 42 points to one of the worst teams in the NFL, there were many positives that came out of the game. The supposed weak link of the team, WR, was very impressive. I really like how Jeff Blake handled the offense and shared the ball around. There run defense was very good. They really need to work on special teams, which was directly responsible for 21 points. I still see them having a productive season.

2. Jake Plummer is still a horrible, horrible quarterback. They were playing 8 men in the box to try and stop Portis and he STILL couldn’t pass the ball. He is absolutely awful. He threw 15 passes for 115 yards. Good job Plummer. Only 1 wide receiver had a reception. He had 3 interceptions. Same old Plummer, just throwing the ball to the running back and the other team. I hate that guy.

3. Bengals are still the worst team in the NFL. I loved hearing about how they were going to be the breakout team this year. HA. Good call experts. They got TRASHED at home against a shady Broncos team. They couldn’t stop anybody, they couldn’t score, they couldn’t do anything. Every highlight was Portis running over or around the Bengals defense. I swear, in one highlight, the Broncos handed the ball off to a baby and the baby was also running over their defense. At some point, they need to be removed from the NFL or sent off to Canada with the rest of America’s waste.

4. John Madden is a waste of two human bodies. What the hell is this man talking about? Please, somebody tell me. Why do we have to put up with him circling fat offensive linemens’ asses for 3 hours every Monday night? They honestly need a translator there for him. I feel sorry for Al Michaels. Did anybody else notice every time Madden would say something, Michaels would basically repeat it, but in English and with proper subject-verb agreement?

Madden – “Zone playing league Tampa Bay cover 2 best”
Al – “Yes John, Tampa Bay does play the best cover 2 zone in the league.”

5. What the hell is Horse Trailer Player of the Game? They couldn’t come up with anything better for “Player of the Game.” They wanted to come up with something new, so they came up with HORSE TRAILER? Wow.

6. Can we please stop with the pregame coach interviews please? Nothing good comes out of these interviews. They ask the coach a stupid question along the lines of “What is the gameplan?” and the coach responds with something along the lines of “Run the ball. Pass the ball. Score some touchdowns. No turnovers.” Ok. Do we expect them to actually give us there playbook? “Today, we will be running our new play, 43 RedDog Storm, and we are going to start off the game with an onsides kick.” I just don’t see the point.

7. The Buccaneers are going to be damn good this year. How did they assemble the best defense, the best offense, and the best special teams? They have the same salary cap as everyone else, how is EVERY player on the team good? There defense is absolutely ridiculous. There backup defensive linemen could start on many teams in the league.

8. The Washington Redskins offense is nicknamed the “Fun n’ Gun.” However, as my esteemed colleague, John Ohab, correctly recognized, the offense is neither “Fun” nor “Gun.” You can’t score 16 points against a terrible Jets defense and call your offense the “Fun n’ Gun.” And why is Steve Spurrier so secretive when making his play calls? He has a phone booth that he goes into before every play so nobody knows what he is calling, like he is about to invent the best play in NFL history. Then, the next play is a basic run up the middle.

9. Cowboys are TERRIBLE. Everyone knows about the age old tradition of pouring Gatorade on the coach after a victory. Well, I would like the Cowboys players to pull Parcells shorts down instead. Is there any reason he has to wear them at his nipples? And why are they so long? I don’t really understand the look he is going for.

10. Bears. HA. Every time I looked over at the TV, I would see Kordell Stewart pulling a Jake Plummer (throwing the ball to the other team, then shaking his head like he didn’t expect that). If he wasn’t throwing interceptions, he was getting sacked. If he wasn’t getting sacked, then he was fumbling the ball. Throughout all this, he looked like an idiot with that stupid 1980’s MC Hammer haircut.

11. Special thanks to my fantasy football team who all decided to quickly end my season in the first week. Thanks guys.

12. Is it December already??? Dave Wannstedt should be ashamed to be alive yet alone the coach of the Dolphins. The Dolphins got NO SACKS against the Texans who are the NFL’s equivalent of a tackling dummy (David Carr) behind a paper wall. Then when the going gets tough, let Fielder take over, not Ricky Williams the NFL’s leading rusher. Fielder is what John calls a smaller version of me (Boger) playing quarterback who hasn’t won a big game since he found the Superman code to “John Elway’s QB” for Nintendo. Then there is Mark Royals who needs to aim at the stands to have his punt land on the field. The Dolphins would have better field position if they snapped the ball to Royals, he took five steps back, and then took a knee. Man I can’t wait till the end of the season when I see Wannstedts’ fat ass mustache get canned!

13. I know a lot of you who read this don’t live in Arizona, but I’m sick off all these god damn “Monsoon 2003” updates. I saw more of these then game updates on the bottom of the screen watching football on Sunday. It would start with “The National Weather Service issues a warning for Apache County,…(every god damn county and city in the state which goes on for 10 minutes).., Yuma” First of all, its not a Monsoon. A monsoon is what stranded Gilligan on that stupid island for ten years. This is FUCKING RAIN PEOPLE, we don’t need the “Action 5” news team following every cloud in the valley. Thank god it is almost over.

14. I love Mike Martz. After Warner’s six fumbles he said that “He looked a little confused and disheveled” THAT’S BECAUSE HE HAD A CONCUSSION! How dumb is Martz not knowing that his staring QB has a concussion. Did anybody else think of this dialogue between them?

“You Ok Kurt?” – Martz
“I’m ready to go coach” – Warner
“Ok, point out your wife” – Martz
“That guy” – Warner pointing to some random man in the fans.
“Ok, you’re good to go” - Martz

15. Bills vs. Bucs for the Super Bowl